I have a 4-6 page paper due on Monday.  Finished all of the rest of the course work today, but I still have that hanging over my head. Then Tuesday, I start my next course.  No breaks ’til Christmas.  Starting to wonder if this whole “school thing” was really such a good idea.  With all the other stresses in my life right now, I’m just not sure this added one is a good idea.

Kids seem to be settled back into the school routine.  K is starting her senior year.  Hard to believe…  H is a freshman and P is starting first grade.  Time goes by so quickly.  N is starting in the management program with the grocery store chain that she’s worked with for the past 2-3 years.  It isn’t her dream job but the pay upgrade and guaranteed hours will help her a lot, and the management experience will be a good thing when the economic recovery finally kicks in.

DH is struggling with work.  I know he’s unhappy and in limbo, but I don’t have what it takes to really be totally supportive right now.  He’s been on commission only since before Christmas, and it’s really hurting us.  He knows it and feels bad, even though it’s not his fault.  The economy is kicking most salesmen in the teeth hard right now, and he’s right there with all of them.

I’ve got my own issues at work.  I’m working my ass off, but it still doesn’t seem like it’s enough for the powers that be.  They’ve brought in this consultant to document procedures and improve efficiencies but how can someone who does not know our accounting system do that effectively?  It’s winding up that my co-workers and I are spending more time training him on the system than just showing him our current procedures.  In addition to that, we already have documented procedures but he and my new supervisor (who I generally like) just can’t seem to take the time to dive into those.  Sadly, if one of them would take that time, they wouldn’t be caught asking so many ridiculous questions.  My company’s MO seems to be turning into, if you don’t understand the system, get rid of the people that do so you won’t look bad when they know more than you do.  I walked out of the office on Friday really believing that my days with the company are numbered.  And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it…

Problem is that a) he doesn’t really seem to know all that much about our system, and b) he’s questioning all of our processes and trying to make it seem that they are insufficient in some way.  Bottom line is: I think he wants my job and is willing to lie to get it.  I’ve worked my ass off for this company through thick and thin and think I deserve better than this.

I got called into a meeting today, during closing, to discuss why the reports that our system offers are wrong.  The people in the meeting were the IT people who are the advisors for our department.  Time and time again, they referred back to the reports and procedures that I had already given to my new boss and the consultant.  And time and time again, the supervisor and consultant said, “Oh, I didn’t see that…”    And the consultant kept pounding on the fact that one figure didn’t match what they thought it should.  However, at the end of the day (as I had predicted), the figure was pretty darn close to what it needed to be.  It just “posted” differently than the system had “planned” for it to be.  But of course, nobody listened to me when I said that I thought we should let the system do its posting and then calculate any differences from there.

I’m kind of afraid I won’t have a job in a few weeks….

Still left to do: Fill-out mountain of back-to-school paperwork, finish this week’s homework, start final paper, due in 8 days, clean house, find sanity, get P’s hair cut, mow lawn, start weaning kittens, get a good night’s sleep…

I have to stop now because of impending panic attack…

Politicians never ceased to amaze me with their arrogance.

Now, I’ll have homework buddies to study with though.  And the kids won’t be parked in front of the TV or X-Box constantly.

May be a good thing!

Last night, I got nostalgic and read through all my posts from the beginning.  There were so many that I stopped and read to DH because they were the funny, everyday things that happen with that you forget over time.  Even though I get next to no traffic here, it’s still good to have a place to record all these memories.  It’s good to know that I’m getting a big benefit from this blog even though I don’t get any kind of income from it whatsoever.

It touched my heart.

• We didn’t get to go on a vacation.
• The days we did get off were spent cleaning or hanging around the house.
• It has been soooooo hot, that no one in their right mind would want to spend time outside.
• Money’s been really tight.
• N’s planned graduation gift got eaten up by the gas lines in our house.
• We’ve all been in a collective funk, except for P who’s happy as a clam as long as he’s on the X-Box.
• DH and I have both been stressed about stuff at work.
• My mom came to visit which was good, bad and indifferent, all rolled into one.
• I’ve had to spend most of my free time studying.
• I could go on, but I’m bumming myself out.

Needless to say, it’s a summer gone by with not much to show for it, except N’s graduation which was a banner moment.  Hopefully, next year will be better for us.  The good news is that the kids will be in school and not sitting aroung here fighting with each other.  Always a silver lining…

N graduated today. I’m so proud of her! Next year is K from high school and the year after will be me…
I hope we’re starting a long line of them!

My mother just told me to “let go” of the bad feelings from my childhood.  Maybe I’m missing something, but I haven’t figured out a way to “let go” of being a second-class citizen in both my mother and father’s homes.  I don’t know how to let go of being told told that my youngest sister was my mother’s favorite child and the middle sister was my father’s favorite child.  I can’t put the fact that both of my parents booted me out of their homes behind me.

I have a hard time believing that there wasn’t something about me that caused me to be the unwanted one.  My mom can try to rewrite history as much as she’d like, but I know I wasn’t sent to live with my father just because that’s what I said I wanted.  I never got anything else that I wanted that easily so I have a hard time believing that’s what happened in this case.  She doesn’t “favor” any one of us, but then why does everyone else who is close to the situation believe something different?

I was everything they both claimed they wanted their daughters to grow up to be: headstrong, opinionated, independent.  But even though they both claimed to want this, it seemed to be everthing that was wrong with me in action.  I guess in all honesty, there is a fine line between opinionated and downright pissed off.  And I was pissed: pissed that my mom left my dad, pissed that she booted me back to his house after six months, pissed that he remarried, pissed that his new wife and her kid took precedence, pissed that, while my divorced parents didn’t necessarily constantly bad-mouth each other, they weren’t exactly friendly either.  Pissed that his new wife’s kid lived by a whole different set of standards than I did, pissed that the sons of the woman my mom lived with did too, pissed that neither one of them would admit much less seemed to be able to see these facts.  Pissed that I got booted from my dad’s house, pissed that, since that time, I’m the only child in the family who does not have keys to either parents’ home.  But just “get past it.”

I’m not supposed to be (or feel like) the family black-sheep but I’ve always been treated that way.  Just “get over it.”  Childhood pains should be put in the past…  But how?  I have yet to figure out the magic solution for this one…